21 Tweets About Dating That Will Make You Laugh, Then Cry

I don't use social media or apps to date because I'm in my 30s and I prefer meeting men the old fashioned way: never.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) June 17, 2016

me on a date: my treat ! :)
me to the waiter: can i get the senior discount my grandmas in the car

— fat bully (@ricardojkay) October 5, 2017

*shows date my bathtub* This is my cry pond

— Michael, still eerie (@Home_Halfway) October 10, 2017

Done with dating sites. I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) April 10, 2017

Waiter: have you saved room for dessert?
Me: yes
My date: no
My mom: yes

— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 6, 2017

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

— Alien Chucky (@ClichedOut) October 9, 2017

sometimes I get sad cus I'm single then I remember Rihanna is single n I get happy then I remember Rihanna is wealthy n I get sad again

— Princess Jeffery (@LilGlolita) April 30, 2016

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?

— Floyd is dead (@dafloydsta) October 24, 2016

[date pulls away from kissing] what do you say we take this to the bedroom
me: [stamps foot down] but I'm not tired

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 15, 2017

waiter: can I get you guys some more breadsticks?
date: no thanks
me: [mouthful of chicken parm] bring the breadsticks Tony

— Chance Harbour (@ChanceHarbour) October 4, 2017

The best part of still being single in my 30s is that chances are good I'm going to get to live out my fantasy of being an evil stepmother.

— Sarah (@thetigersez) May 13, 2016

[first date]

HER: i'm really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don't say

— pope phteven (@PhuckinCody) July 18, 2017

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish, he'll post pictures of all the ones he catches on his tinder profile

— Peter Siegler (@seterpiegler) July 5, 2017

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the... william?

— The Scarenstain Bear (@LeBearGirdle) September 21, 2017

I don't even mind your hairline

- me flirting

— 🎃Cara👻 (@mamapojo) October 16, 2017

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

— Mel (@MelKassel) April 24, 2016

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 28, 2015

girl in front of me swiping tinder in class. my profile comes up, immediate swipe left. i have to drop the class right? or just transfer..

— Connor Chambers (@cjc_26) October 11, 2017

“Are you single?”

First of all I am, but if you’re asking, I’m not.

— ᎶᎥᏞᏞᎬᎽ (@TraeGilley) October 16, 2017

911 what's your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma'am we don't--

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 28, 2013

A lot of being single and living alone is learning to keep the place nice "for you," and "the people who would find your body if you died."

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 30, 2016