Recently I got a message on Quora where a woman asked me this --
![2015-12-10-1449739695-4573276-Marriageproblem.png]()
As soon as I read this message, I thought to myself, "I have felt this way too!"
It is very common for women to judge themselves and feel inferior. Most of us do it.
I am not good looking enough.
I am not educated enough.
I am not talented enough.
I am not sexy enough.
I am not -- fill in the blank -- enough.
I do not understand why we are so hard on ourselves (and on other women in the process). What I do know that we do judge ourselves and other women way too much. We do it automatically. Unthinkingly. Unintentionally. But the fact remains that we do it every day.
I have done it too.
I remember how I questioned myself repeatedly when I got engaged to my now husband.
"Why did he choose me?"
"Why didn't he pick a fellow IAS woman from his academy?"
"He could have found a much more beautiful girl than me, what does he see in me?"
"I hope he doesn't regret his decision later".
And so on and on it went.
Fortunately, I decided to open up to him about my anxieties.
"Why me?" I said to him. "Why me and not someone else?"
His reply was enough to put an end to all my questions.
Ours was a dowry less marriage with no band, baaja or baarat - a kind of simple wedding, one hardly hears of in Northern India.
So, dear reader, I understand what you are going through and I think I can help you with what I have experienced.
Let me tell you that men do not always want the prettiest, hottest, sexiest, most successful woman. Yes, they do want a beautiful woman, but this kind of beauty is more than skin deep.
They want a wife who can stimulate them intellectually. Someone who can provide them stability and emotional security.
While a lovely face and great body are perks, a woman who has a mind of her own and a sparkling personality has an attractiveness that stands the test of time. Men can crawl on their knees to find a kind woman. Who doesn't love kindness, by the way?
They go weak in front of women who are strong. Who can stand up for themselves and others for their rights.
Men don't really care if your eyes are brown, black or green. But they fall for eyes that reflect a beautiful soul. They like women who are pure, clear and honest.
And fair? Nah!
They want your fairer sense of judgement to prevail more than your fair complexion.
Having said all of the above, I would also like to add that there are all kinds of men (and women) out there. Some may value the soul over the body while others may be more superficial.
Your man seems to be the kind who knows what he wants and who accepts you for who you are as a person.
Do not let your feelings of inferiority ruin a splendid love that will shine for decades.
Do not rack your brains, because your heart believes you have found the right man.
Do not bombard yourself with doubts about your own efficacies and capabilities.
Instead, open your heart to love.
Let his love touch your soul in a way that you never raise a question about yourself again.
Let your inner radiance reach his mind and soul and then let it reflect in his eyes. You will find all your answers in his gaze.
Please, be kind to yourself! He is a real man who wants a real woman for himself.
Accept his love. Decide to work things out so that you two embark on a beautiful journey full of love, kindness, peace and happiness.
And finally, to wrap up with my husband's words:
"The way you make me smile and make my mind peaceful is what makes you the most beautiful woman in the world."
Go on. Make him smile. Make his mind peaceful.
All the best!
A version of this post first appeared on Womanatics.com
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As soon as I read this message, I thought to myself, "I have felt this way too!"
It is very common for women to judge themselves and feel inferior. Most of us do it.
I am not good looking enough.
I am not educated enough.
I am not talented enough.
I am not sexy enough.
I am not -- fill in the blank -- enough.
I do not understand why we are so hard on ourselves (and on other women in the process). What I do know that we do judge ourselves and other women way too much. We do it automatically. Unthinkingly. Unintentionally. But the fact remains that we do it every day.
I have done it too.
I remember how I questioned myself repeatedly when I got engaged to my now husband.
"Why did he choose me?"
"Why didn't he pick a fellow IAS woman from his academy?"
"He could have found a much more beautiful girl than me, what does he see in me?"
"I hope he doesn't regret his decision later".
And so on and on it went.
Fortunately, I decided to open up to him about my anxieties.
"Why me?" I said to him. "Why me and not someone else?"
His reply was enough to put an end to all my questions.
Ours was a dowry less marriage with no band, baaja or baarat - a kind of simple wedding, one hardly hears of in Northern India.
So, dear reader, I understand what you are going through and I think I can help you with what I have experienced.
Let me tell you that men do not always want the prettiest, hottest, sexiest, most successful woman. Yes, they do want a beautiful woman, but this kind of beauty is more than skin deep.
They want a wife who can stimulate them intellectually. Someone who can provide them stability and emotional security.
Men don't really care if your eyes are brown, black or green. But they fall for eyes that reflect a beautiful soul.
While a lovely face and great body are perks, a woman who has a mind of her own and a sparkling personality has an attractiveness that stands the test of time. Men can crawl on their knees to find a kind woman. Who doesn't love kindness, by the way?
They go weak in front of women who are strong. Who can stand up for themselves and others for their rights.
Men don't really care if your eyes are brown, black or green. But they fall for eyes that reflect a beautiful soul. They like women who are pure, clear and honest.
And fair? Nah!
They want your fairer sense of judgement to prevail more than your fair complexion.
Having said all of the above, I would also like to add that there are all kinds of men (and women) out there. Some may value the soul over the body while others may be more superficial.
Your man seems to be the kind who knows what he wants and who accepts you for who you are as a person.
Do not let your feelings of inferiority ruin a splendid love that will shine for decades.
Do not rack your brains, because your heart believes you have found the right man.
Do not bombard yourself with doubts about your own efficacies and capabilities.
Instead, open your heart to love.
Let his love touch your soul in a way that you never raise a question about yourself again.
Let your inner radiance reach his mind and soul and then let it reflect in his eyes. You will find all your answers in his gaze.
Please, be kind to yourself! He is a real man who wants a real woman for himself.
Accept his love. Decide to work things out so that you two embark on a beautiful journey full of love, kindness, peace and happiness.
And finally, to wrap up with my husband's words:
"The way you make me smile and make my mind peaceful is what makes you the most beautiful woman in the world."
Go on. Make him smile. Make his mind peaceful.
All the best!
A version of this post first appeared on Womanatics.com
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